reverse culture shock has set in...

This is the wierdest time in my life, with such a wide range of emotions. I am tired, sad, & overwhelmed. I feel lost-- like I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. I feel clumsy & akward just about every moment of every day; like I am completely out of place. Here's the thing: in Africa, being white made me stick out like a sore thumb. I was stared at and thought of as out of place no matter what I did, or where I went. At first that was difficult to get used to, but after a while it became quite comfortable. I was able to drop all of those inhibitions and social awareness/insecurities and become comfortable with who I was, because I knew that no matter how hard I tried I would still be considered a WIERD-O! That was such a freeing way to live.

Now that I am back in American culture, however, it is amazing how quickly those social inhibitions & awarenesses creep back into my everyday life. Basically, I just don't feel like I fit in here anymore. I think this is a common feeling when one goes through reverse culture shock. And I don't expect too many people reading this to understand, unless they have gone through a similar experience.

There are so many other factors in reverse culture shock. For example, in Africa logical thinking rarely made its way into everyday life. That was also really hard to adjust to at first, but became quite comfortable after a while. Decision making rarely made sense, so nobody really cared if I totally messed up. Like I said, I stuck out anyway. In fact, I think they expected us to mess up on a regular basis. I still held myself to a high standard as usual, but the grace of the African culture was refreshing.

As I drive on the strictly organized American streets, sip my gourmet coffees, try on Levi's and new shoes, and preapre for the most anticipated holiday of the American culture, inside I am struggling to maintain my composure. Tears come to my eyes while walking down the grocery store aisle and watching tv commercials. I am not sure what to do with myself! And this, I suppose is what everyone warned me about.

Please pray for me, as I look for a job, try to find an apartment, and try to reconcile my cultural experiences thus far in life. In case you are wondering, I do hope to return to the mission field someday. Right now, I feel like I am where God wants me, but I have no idea why or what for. Thank you for all of your support. I am blessed by all of you!

Love & Blessings,
alita